5 Ways You Know a List on the Internet Is an Absolute Shit-Show

gender isn't sex

1. It is about gender.

2. And its title affixes the word “real” just before its chosen gender.

2b. Listen:

There isn’t a “real” way to be [trans/pan/cis/bi]gendered. You can be man, woman, and any combination of previous or position outside thereof regardless of genital arrangement, size and distribution of bodyweight, or what you choose to do with your hair. People of any of those genders can like, or not like, sports (playing and/or watching); stuffed animals; popping bubble wrap; getting their hands dirty (or getting their hands dirty); crafting meals by composite of former living tissues over heat or, at the very least, time; designing and constructing things out of careful combination of fabric(s) and thread(s); designing and constructing things out of stone, metal, wood, and proper application of tools; spending time with children; spending time far away from children; yard work (which may or may not flowers); [fucking/being fucked by] people with [the same/different] genitals; riding rolling desk chairs down hallways; animation; tiny animals on up to animals big enough to ride (which I suppose, now that I think about it, also includes humans); punching people in the face; Mr. Pibb (I refuse to call it Pibb Xtra— Oh! Or Surge, remember Surge?); external expressions of emotion; not fucking anybody; the goddamn Batman; and any other things in existence that I forgot to list out here.

2c. Try this:

If you were strapped to the wall of the allegorical cave and could not see your body and actually I guess you wouldn’t have an awareness of your body at all but would instead identify your interior self with one of the platonic ideal-object cast shadows1 before you, what outline of gender would you think you were2?

3. It isn’t on Cracked.com3

3b. Or it’s on Cracked.com, but it’s by one of the who-gives-a-shit? writers.

4. Can we all agree to stop going to Buzzfeed? Just a mass exodus4. Please?

5. [The Author is/Commentors are/Reddit is] vehemetly defending the list against accusations of (x)ism by pretending that the words “free speech” are a magic spell that disintegrates all problematic [social/cultural/historical/class/&c.] context5.



1. And believe me I get the problems with this metaphor, because it presumes the exact kind of “perfect” “objective” construction of “genders” that I am herein arguing against. So I guess don’t think so much of platonic ideals but rather shadow-puppets: the shadow looks like a cohesive whole but is mere simulation cast by sticks and paper arranged together by human agency and acts rather than some essential external whathaveyou.

2. I wonder: in the world of The Matrix, would transgender people within the simulation appear as their gender identity or their physical sex?

3. Yes, I recognize that includes this list; that is by design. I’m sure I’ve missed something that will unveil for all to see the stupidities grown of my own privilege. Please let me know what it is so I can affect repairs (to myself, I mean, not the article; though I, of course, reserve the right to append any number of future notes [foot- or end- or otherwise]).

4. Or: energy exodus. The Internet is the interpretation/projection of captured electric signals; energy = mass after all anyway if you know basic math and the speed of light.

5. No, I’m not trying to censor you; I’m saying I’d prefer to live in a world where nobody found your [ignorant/privileged] reductive essentialist horseshit funny in the first place because you don’t seem to understand that some ideas aren’t just ideas but are wounds to cultural psyches that take place over time and, like most wounds, won’t heal if you keep picking at them with your attention-hungry little unwashed digits.

One thought on “5 Ways You Know a List on the Internet Is an Absolute Shit-Show

  • April 17, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    This post is quite easy for me to latch onto and love. If I see or hear one more comment about how “real women have curves, and only dogs go for bones,” it’s going to be very difficult for me to restrain my fists. What a perfect combination of body-shaming and gender-shaming!

    But, Thad…if I don’t go on Buzzfeed, how will I know which character from [insert popular TV series] I am? Or what my geek score is? Or how white I am?!


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